Friday, January 20, 2012

Mustache Tribute Day

Today, I got into a confrontation with a kid who had a mustache.

I was in line to get my macaroni and cheese at lunch, when this idiot in front of me decided it would be a good time to ruin my macaroni ecstasy by bumping into me. I should preface this by saying that macaroni and fish Friday to me, is a lot like Pretzel Day to Stanley from The Office. To put it simply...

"I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive. Then I go to work, to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day -- well, I like pretzel day."

Moving on, I decided to ignore the kid who made the choice to knock me out of my cheesy pasta trance. Moments later, though, he stumbled backwards into me for a second time. 

It should be known that I have no patience for people who throw their likely-diseased bodies into mine, because I am frequently grumpy in crowded situations. If someone apologizes, though, I instantly feel better about them and the human race. Perhaps I would even offer them a french fry if I had one. This kid did not seem to notice the nearly 200 lbs of annoyed midterm-taking junior standing behind him. 

I had some words for him, at which point he turned around to reveal his ugly face and incredibly ridiculous mustache. After telling him and his mustache to kindly go away, in not so kind terms, I began to consider the mustache. 

The mustache is a distinguished look if done correctly, perilous if done poorly. If you suffer from the same disease as myself, not enough testosterone to punch a bear in the face, you are unable to grow a mustache. Theodore Roosevelt did not have this problem. Check this out:

In this picture, we can see Theodore Roosevelt, clearly speaking softly, and damned pleased with his big stick. By big stick, I of course mean the military of the United States. Did you think I meant another big stick, of sorts? Read on.

If you look closely, you'll notice two things. First, Teddy had a sick mustache, and second he fathered a lot of kids. Growing up, Roosevelt had asthma that was so debilitating, it often left him bedridden. He grew up, climbed mountains, rafted down the Amazon, killed lots of animals, and had a bunch of kids, one of whom won the Congressional Medal of Honor. He did not do it with the usual organs, but rather, with his mustache. People dispute that, but I read it on wikipedia, so it counts. 

He also had a son named Kermit.

Sadly, Kermit killed himself after a long battle with depression.
At least you've got a picture of Kermit the Frog with a mustache.

I was born in 1991. I'm told it was very lovely that year....Communism had just fallen, Metallica was on their record breaking tour for the Black Album, and Justin Bieber wasn't alive yet. There was still hope.

As such, I don't know a thing about Magnum PI. Upon further research, it appears mr. P.I. was a private investigator (WHAT A SHOCK) named...get this....Thomas Magnum. 

The TV show, actually named Magnum P.I., was one of the top shows in the ratings from 1980 until mustaches were no longer cool, in 1988. What's a mustache got to do with it?

It appears that in an episode, Magnum had a terrible accident. For our purposes, and because I'm sure as hell not going back to watch this show (which I'm SURE was great for all the old people, before tv wasn't awful), we'll say he got shot. I'm gonna guess he's been in a coma for days. Notice anything?

Mustache completely intact. Not overgrown. Not disheveled. Perfect.

He also influenced an interesting pun that I found on google images:

His mustache influences math.


The greatest mustache of all time.

While Hulk Hogan may have gone the way of Ozzy Osbourne, Hogan sure as hell knows best when it comes to facial hair. 

Before he broke out as the biggest star in the history of Professional Wrestling, Hogan had a role in Rocky III as Thunderlips, "THE ULTIMATE MALE". He beat the hell out of Rocky, only to lose in the end because hey.....Rocky ended the Cold War. He can probably take on Hogan. Still, I've always wanted to be as cool as Hogan's 5 minute role as Thunderlips

Where's YOUR mustache, bitch?

Hogan went on to win numerous world  championships, in totally real fashion, because wrestling is, was, and always will be totally real. Really. 

The most shocking mustache development regarding Hogan is this: on July 7, 1996, Hogan joined the NWO at WCW's Bash at the Beach. Millions of children cried, and Hogan's turn to the dark side was a threat to national security. After all, who would tell the children to say their prayers and take their vitamins? And what's so shocking about the mustache?

His mustache remained blonde, while the rest of his facial hair turned black. Black, the color of evil....evil, like the NWO.....yet the mustache remained blonde....a secret lies within the 'stache.

Hogan eventually turned back into a good guy, because wrestling is entirely real, and he wanted to do good for the people of earth, again. Guess what?

If you guessed "sued for half his stuff", you're right!

His mustache went back to normal. Score one for the good guys...and women who sue the world champion for half of his money, despite living in a trailer when they met. Mustache karma will get her.


In the end, what is the point of all this? Basically, kid who bumped into me, did not apologize, and then acted completely shocked when I brought it up, take a look at all the mustaches above. Anything in common?

1) They're all thick, full, manly mustaches. Yours is not. 
2) They're all from the years between 1858 (assuming Roosevelt was born with a mustache, which I don't doubt) and 1980. 

It's 2012, and the mustache is dead. You don't look cool, manly, suave, or any of the things....that I am. Or wish I was.

But I grow a sweet patchy beard.