Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Oh man, the format on this website is awful. Basically, I lost the link to my old blog when my last computer decided it was gonna go the way of Sidney Crosby's brain, so I've had to create a new one. Oh well. I decided to pick back up on this, because writing helps me chill out, and I'm currently in a state of emergency. Just a ridiculous amount of work coming up soon.
I don't really have a lot to talk about, since I'm in a bit of a funk. I'm usually talkative to the point of driving everyone else completely insane, but I think my wisdom teeth, and the fact that my gums are in the process of splitting in half, is driving that out of me.
About my ketchup picture from today. My loving mother, seeing the need for more condiments in my life, bought me a bottle of ketchup. This is no ordinary bottle: it is meant to be kept upside down, to ensure that ketchup is always ready to be dispensed. Furthermore, it is meant to combat the greatest threat to this nation. No, it is not Iran, Communists, or bears. The number one threat is ketchup juice. The ketchup bottle is produced in such a way that the ketchup sits on the bottom of the bottle, allowing the thinner juices of the red mixture to rise to the top. I assume this juice is a combination of water, vinegar, and fox piss, the latter of which causes a supremely disturbing taste when it spills out on your food. Why fox piss? When I was young, my grandpa used fox "urine" to scare away deer from his yard, in a valiant effort to save my Grandma's flowers. The deer, being well versed in both biology and geography, knew that foxes were not common in the region, so that ate the flowers anyways. Regardless, I opened the ketchup the other day, and squeezed out what I had anticipated as being a delicious scarlet paste of tomatoes, salt, and artificial flavoring. Instead, I heard a tremendous farting noise, and watched in horror as my perfectly assembled hot dog became covered in a rainfall of ketchup excrement. I told people about it, and their responses were all the same: give it a shake, and that won't happen. I had always thought that the purpose of both the upside down bottle, and chemistry, which taught me little more in tenth grade than "thinner liquids separate and rise from denser liquids", was to keep this from happening, and to save me the hardship of shaking the bottle.
Why did you lie to me, chemistry? Why was I deceived, HJ Heinz company?
File this under first world problems.