Monday, February 13, 2012

A Very Unfavorable Review of the Grammys

I listen to a lot of heavy metal, and if I could, I'd convince James Hetfield from Metallica to ignore that I suck, and let me play rhythm guitar for them.

As such, I can't stand Dubstep, and try as I might, I can't get into country. I like a song here or there, but mostly, it depresses or bores me ( is quite talented, though). Shameless friend plug.

Tonight, against my better judgement, I watched the Grammys, and it was as if all the things I love in this world had been taken into a Georgia bathroom by Ben Roethlisberger.

When I began watching, there was a tribute to some older country singer fellow, and I mad a bad joke about the song at the end, only to find out they were doing it as a tribute to the man's lifetime achievements and his battle with Alzheimers. Sometimes I should figure out what's going on before I make potentially offensive statements about things. I really am sorry for that.

After this unfortunate moment, Nicki Minaj became my unwanted savior of the moment by desecrating Christianity, so thanks a lot for that. Took the heat right off me. she really is an idiot for her performance, and I can't believe it got the go-ahead. Here's what happened:

As I flipped back to the show, Minaj was howling about a priest taking Prozac or something, then went into some pained scream, which I assume was caused by Satan scratching her vocal cords. I know we're not supposed to be on the Devil's side, but if this was truly the case, then I hope he did a good job so we don't have to see her again.

The scene then switched to a horror movie style thing with a coked up Minaj, throwing people across the room. It was a real fitting tribute to Whitney Houston. Very touching. Wait, Jennifer Hudson did that? So Nikki is just insanely bad, and has creepy eyes? Ok, good.

Nicki Minaj looked like a cross between a vampire and a Tarsier monkey.

Nicki Minaj is always watching you.

All kidding aside, though I did not enjoy Jennifer Hudson's tribute to Whitney Houston, who was a very talented woman, it was extremely tasteful, so it was good of them to throw that together and not ruin it.

Prior to Nicki Minaj was the big orgy of suck between Lil Wayne, Deadmau5, some DJ who looked like a grad student, and sadly, the Foo Fighters. To their credit, the Foo Fighters were excellent, playing "Rope" live, and not recorded. I might've gone on a shooting rampage if Dave Grohl was faking it.

Unfortunately, Deadmau5'5 (that's right, I used another 5 to turn that idiot into a possessive) ecstasy haze led him to the stage, where he inexplicably slowed down the song, grabbed a powerdrill, and drilled a screw deep into my head. He then hung a mural painted in vomit on the screw, and then disappeared to fondle Skrillex.

Then something amazing happened.

Paul McCartney showed up as the anti-Minaj and saved the day. Joined by a group of musicians including Grohl, Bruce Springsteen, Joe Walsh, and a few others, the old man played "The End" by the Beatles, and stole the show. I don't wanna say too much more about it, because I can't do it justice. Unfortunately, the Grammys have blocked all videos of it, so I can't show it to you. Just know it was excellent.

Finally, Adele won everything, reminding me that some people my age are writing a blog post in which they rip on people who are extremely famous, and that some people my age are extremely famous. Oh well.

I did manage to find a video of Adele that wasn't blocked, though. Check it out.

Told you I'd make it happen, JO.

Adele cried more in 5 minutes than I did during the entirety of "The Fox and the Hound". Get it together, lady. Her hair is also the size of the Hindenburg Zeppelin, and probably has enough hairspray in it to make it equally flammable.


I'm gonna say it anyways. What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse?

About 200 days.

This is what I've just done to some peoples' opinion of me.