Monday, February 6, 2012

Super Bowl, Why Dolly Parton's Boobs Will Ruin the NFL

The Super Bowl was tonight.

Free pizza and wings, courtesy of the Cornerstone, which meant I also got free heartburn and a stomach ache, but it was worth it. I haven't had good pizza in a while.

The Giants won, as I had hoped. Tough luck, Patriots fans. Tom Brady should start sucking so his hot wife goes away, and he replaces her with a down and out pet store cashier, Rocky style. I'm not SERIOUSLY wishing he gets his heart broken, because that would be really terrible. Just saying it worked for Stallone.

In the end, some fat dudes were fatter than the other fat dudes, and Eli Manning, who in the '50s would have been a member of the Cleaver family, didn't fall apart. He's pretty clutch. I can't honestly hate either of the Mannings. Great quarterbacks, and both seem like pretty good dudes.

Oh, and I almost forgot. That Gronkowski guy is dating a porn star with a horse face. I think I rooted against them just for that. Dude's only two years older than me, has a ton of money, and yet has ridiculously bad taste. Not to mention his fat ass couldn't dive to catch that ball.

I'll be honest, I didn't pay much attention to the first half, and really only watched the 4th quarter. I was too busy eating pizza and staring at the pitchers of beer my friends were drinking. I didn't have any, but I could have. I thought it'd be the right thing, to not break any rules since my friend's Dad was nice enough to supply us with free food and a huge screen to watch the game on. If a guy opens up half his bar just for you and your friends, you should probably do the right thing, I guess.

The most important thing that came out of the game was the unreal Clint Eastwood commercial, done in his Walt Kowalski voice.

"A fog of division, discord, and blame made it hard to see what lies ahead"
Oh yes. 

I had a sore throat when I got up today, and until the 2nd quarter, my voice sounded exactly like him. Trust me, I said "get off my lawn" at least 30 times. 

"Buy a Dodge, punk."

I won't be buying a Dodge, Chrysler, etc, but I enjoyed the ad. 

In the end, I probably payed more attention to the half time show than I did the entire game, save for the 4th quarter. It started off with Madonna being carried in by a bunch of male gladiator strippers, which I thought was a nice touch. When I think football, I think of a 53 year old woman being carried in by the cast of 300. It makes perfect sense. 

Next year, I imagine the half time show will be Dolly Parton, with special guests 50 Cent and the Baha Men. Dolly will be wheeled in wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask, and will be accompanied by 300 male strippers wearing St Pauli girl outfits. 

After they all sing, Metallica will come on and play a metal version of "Who Let The Dogs Out", and James Hetfield will kill 50 Cent. Dolly's boob will pop out, the country will act outraged, even though everyone's seen a boob, and the FCC will ban boobs. Not just on tv, but just boobs in general. It'll spawn massive protests where women of all shapes and sizes (but probably mostly people-shaped) will expose their breasts, and the men of the country will rejoice. Eventually boobs will lose their appeal, and we will have Dolly Parton and the NFL to blame.

Then the NHL will reign supreme, because there's no chance of a boob there.

Never mind.

Don't get mad, I didn't pick a picture where her boobs actually come out. 

They did, though.