Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Pens vs. Jets

Holy cow's udders, it's Spring! What should I listen to? "Seasons of Wither" by Aerosmith? No, that defines Fall. Metallica's too dark. I know what'll do the trick...

You're damn right it's a great day for hockey! My window's open, I've got lame-ass plaid shorts on, and I can smell burgers and hot dogs being grilled up at the small park above me. When it comes to hockey, that means only one thing: PLAYOFFS!

In a few weeks, I'll write an enormous and unquestionably awesome post about how the NHL playoffs are the greatest thing since sliced pizza (sliced bread is overrated). That's what I do....nonstop awesome posts. Except the times they're not very good. First thing's first, though: get two points tonight.

What do the Penguins do? Win.

If I could describe the last month of the Pens' season in a picture, it would be this:

Yeah, Yukon Cornelius with lightsabers making an appearance.

How about a .gif?

Ticklefrog knows what's up.

Perhaps a song?

That's right. The Pens have grabbed their lightsabers and ticklefrogged their way through the nhl, as they have sought and destroyed everything in their path. Ticklefrogged isn't even a verb, but I made it so. Guess what?


Oh yeah, there WAS this one little problem. The Philadelphia Flyers. They came back from out of nowhere the other day, as the Pens bought into their garbage tactics and lost focus. Can't take it away from Philly, they fought back hard, and Scott Hartnell caused my jaw to drop for at least two minutes as he scored with seconds remaining in overtime, thus rendering me speechless for the first time in 21 years.

The boys in the black and gold will get 'em back later on in the Spring. I have no doubt their space cadet goalie will return to Mars, and will leave a humayyyyyyngaas beeg hole for Sid and Geno to fire pucks into the net through. 

Tonight, though? Winnipeg.

Guess what?
An attempt to give the middle finger to Winnipeg.

First thing's first: it took me until the 9th page of google images to find ANYTHING relating to the NEW Winnipeg Jets, even though I typed in "Winnipeg Jets".

Perhaps something else would've been more appropriate....


The Thrashers Jets are currently 8th....wait, no. 9th....no. 10th in the Eastern Conference. So much for my preseason prediction that they would make the playoffs. They sit behind a dreadful Sabres team, and a hilariously awful Capitals team, and need five points to make it into the playoff picture. They're not getting two of them tonight, and probably won't make it at all. Guess how much I care?

Sid's back, Geno hasn't slowed down, James Neal is scoring goals again, and Matt Cooke is all of a sudden a dominant offensive force (chalk that one up to Sid dragging 3 players on his back so that Cookie has some room to move).

With this win, I'm told the Penguins can secure a playoff spot. Let's get those points, boys.

Gotta get some Maiden in here somewhere.

Despite the good time I had making fun of the Jets, I can admit that they're a great team at home, playing in front of a crowd that wishes to drink the blood of their enemies. This game should be more of the.....wait...

Pens are winning this one, 6-3.