Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Things That Are Meaningless, But Too Long For Twitter, 2/4/14

I just yawned, and mid-way through the yawn, I realized I wanted to time it and see how long I yawned for. However, as usually happens with these sorts of things (how long did I pee for!?!?!?!?), I didn't realize in time. Since most yawns last around 7 seconds, this is the sort of thing that requires a stop watch, as you'd need to know the time in tenths of a second, rather than whole seconds. I think I'm going to keep this in mind, and leave my phone on the stop watch function, then record all of my yawns. I want to become the world champion of yawning, but you can't be the best at anything without practicing, so I'm going to work on drawing out my yawns.

I decided long ago that I don't need a lot of money, big houses, fast cars, or anything like that. I just want a wikipedia page that doesn't get taken down in a few hours due to irrelevance. I think that being the best yawner in the world is a great reason for having a wikipedia page, and it would be an honor to have that as my legacy.

If I had a Wikipedia page, I'd edit it all the time. It would be the longest Wikipedia page of all time, despite my virtual irrelevance when compared to other people with Wikipedia pages, such as Walt Disney, Jesus, and Orville Redenbacher. Basically, I'd use Wikipedia as my own personal website, and they couldn't do anything about it, because it would all be factual. "On June 18th, Schuster will perform at the Mohegan Sun Arena, and tickets cost $25" and things of that nature. This is how you game the system, folks. Free celebrity website. Most of you won't ever have this problem, but us Wikipedia-page-having-people will, and I'm here to help them out.

I posed this question on Twitter a few minutes ago, but I'm going to ask it again. How many times do you think you've been near someone you know, without realizing it? This could include being in the mall at the same time, driving by them, being on the other side of a crowded restaurant, etc.

Furthermore, how many times do you think you've been near someone you don't know yet, but will eventually be friends or acquaintances with?

Or my favorite variation of this question, do you think you've ever walked past someone on the FBI's most wanted list? You missed out on some serious cash. Also, it's pretty much guaranteed that we've all crossed paths with a murderer without even knowing it! I mean, there are a lot of folks who have killed people and are still walking around out there. You've PROBABLY even sat near one or two at a bar. Enjoy that thought, next time you're surrounded by a lot of people.