Thursday, February 6, 2014

Olympic Observations....DAY 1!

So here I am, watching the Olympics. My room is totally messed up, there are holes in the walls, and there's stuff all over the floor. But I'm not in Sochi, I'm in my bedroom at home. So I can't blame the Russians.

For the next two weeks or so, I'll be writing my observations on the events as I see them. So, let's begin.


-As opposed to flat plane style snowboarding, this takes place on a slope. The differences are subtle, but important.
-Some chick named Sharksky Booass just went down like the Hindenberg, which has nothing in common with her home nation of Denmark.
-What's more important to these people? The Olympics or the X Games? One is fueled by energy drinks and, more discreetly, lots of weed. The other is built on the blood of dead dogs and money embezzled by the Russian government.
-This Australian chick is a babe, and I hope she wins.
-This American girl "bear hugs a tree" before snowboarding, presumably because she's not allowed to bear hug a bear. But she's American, so she would if she....oh man, she's hot, too. Step aside, Australia. U-S-A! U-S-A!
-The color analyst girl is so hot, one might mistake her for a snowboarder.
-Big news, this American girl is sick. And by sick, I mean she's ill. And by ill, I mean she's battling an ailment of some sort. Not "sick," "ill," "dope," "phat," or "wicked, brah". If she wins, her story will become a movie, in which she will be played by Mike Myers or Eddie Murphy. Whichever it is, he will also play the roles of Bode Miller, Barack Obama, and Kurt Russel playing Herb Brooks.
-I'm ready for a new sport, because I enjoy skiing much more than I enjoy snowboarding. I watch ski jumping in hopes that someone will either fall or orbit the earth.
-American girl is in first place. Get ready, Michael Bay.

-I stopped paying attention for 15 minutes, but I'm pretty sure I'm not missing anything. They're still snowboarding, the American is still on top, and I still don't care all that much. Bring on the hockey, skiing, curling, and figure skating. Why figure skating? I enjoy being able to pinpoint the exact moment someone's life takes a turn for the "mysteriously disappeared". In other, related news, Putin is said to be in the house.


-Thus far, Costas seems to be a fan of Putin. We're only 15 seconds in, so....oh wait, he's already turned on him. Putin's a dickhead.
-This guy who's talking sounds like a pussy. Putin would have him killed.
-There's an old, bald man sitting next to him, and I'd bet my collection of pennies that he's Russian. He looks Russian.
-Boom. His name is Vladimir. BUT! He has no accent. So is he Russian, or does he just have a Russian name, and is pretending the same way Pierre McGuire is, as McGuire is actually named Regis?
If you donate a dollar to Africa every time "Putin" is said during these Olympics, most of Africa would still be very poor. But there would be some pretty wealthy warlords. So status quo.
-The question: how much pressure is on the Russians to win medals in Sochi? I can't answer that, but I can tell you that Russia generally wilts under pressure. Right, comrade Krushchev? U-S-A! U-S-A!


-There are no gays in Russia, but Evgeni Plushenko doesn't seem to know it.
-Truly, though, he probably is about 50 women deep at the moment.
-This man is about 115 lbs, so if he falls, he'll be broken in half. Either by the ice or the KGB.
-I wonder if anybody has ever vomited while figure skating. This fellow probably spun around upwards of 120 times. I was on a tire swing about two years ago, and I probably spun around 50 times, and then I vomited. I was also drunk, but this guy's Russian, so.....he's also drunk.
-Steven Stamkos will not be on the Canadian ice hockey team, according to Hockey Canada. But he will be on the Russian figure skating team, under the name of Evgeni Plushenko. The resemblance is uncanny. Wait, even the names!!! Stamkos....Plushenko.....PLUSHENKOS!

That's enough for tonight, because I feel like actually watching this.