Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Ways To Fortify Yourself Against The Cold

As this blog is titled "From Igloo to Igloo," it goes without saying that I am the preeminent non-Aleutian authority on cold weather. So I said it.

"It goes without saying" is a silly phrase, because it is always followed by saying whatever is supposed to not be said. This bothers me.

But I digress.

With the temperatures reaching record lows (should one include the wind chill factor), I feel that it is my duty....nay, my privilege, to help all of you to get through this. What follows is a list of tasks one must complete if they wish to survive this hellish nightmare of snow, ice, and in Erie's case, impossible rain.
1. Purchase a cat.
Normally, I am against anybody keeping a cat as a pet. They are awful creatures, who exist simply to ignore their delusional, obsessive, and unkempt owners. Owners like this lady:
In this case, however, such measures must be taken.

When the temperature is 40 degrees below bullshit, which is the exact boiling point of "fuck this," cats are invaluable. In fact, buy three cats, because you're going to need all of them. 

With the first cat, identify the entry point of water into your home. This is sure to be the coldest section of pipe in the house, as it is linked to the outside. Take one of your cats and duct tape it around the pipe, making sure its underbelly is flush with the cold, cold metal of said pipe.
With the second cat, do nothing. This cat is, as all pets are, backup food. The reason for eating a cat is to save your infinitely more admirable dog, brother, or sister. I recommend eating what I can only categorize as the thigh. The breast is slightly gamy and mostly fat, while the thigh of a cat is full of Omega 3 fatty acids.

The third and, at this point, final cat will also be saved. Possibly. After emergency crews are first spotted, release the third cat into the wild, outfitted with a tracking device. Monitor said tracking device. If the cat stops moving for an extended period of time, assume that it has died, and that it is not yet safe to venture outside, as the cold has not yet lifted. Or it might just be sleeping, since that's really all cats do.

There you have it. If you've followed my detailed steps on how to survive this "arctic blast," you will make it through unscathed, and will also be helping to curb the out-of-control cat population.

As an addend to this guide, here is a list of things you will not need, and why you will not need them.

1: a coat, because fuck going "out there". Are you NUTS???
2: A scarf, because see above. Also, scarves are accessories, and accessories have only really ever helped out James Bond, Batman, and Johnny Depp.
Scarf, sunglasses, cufflinks, and a necklace. You try looking this cool without them.
3: Batteries, unless you're using them in conjunction with a sock as a weapon against cold-resistant mutant cannibals.
4: A fourth cat, because one can only eat so much cat thigh.