Sunday, April 7, 2013

Wrestlemania 29 Preview!

This is the first time I've written about wrestling here, though not the first time I've written about wrestling in general, nor will it be the last. That said, this should be a good time. I have gone through my down periods as a wrestling fan, not being very invested in the product for long stretches of time, but I've been bitten by the bug again. Throughout those periods though, I always watched Wrestlemania, and I haven't missed one since I became a fan in the 90s. Now that I'm actually following the WWE full-time again, I'm more excited for Wrestlemania than I have been for a long time.'s my preview. Hope you like it, the 5 of you who will read it.

Without further adieu, let's move on to the matches! I shall list them in the order of how much I care, starting from least to most. Speaking of not caring...
Pre Show: Singles Match for the Intercontinental Championship: Wade Barrett (C) vs the Miz

If I told you I cared about this match at all, I'd be lying. I think the Miz is one of the worst overall performers in the company, and I loathe everything he does. He's an annoying heel (not in a good way) and an insufferably bad face. If I had to make a comparison, I'd say he's the Rob Schneider of pro wrestling...just terrible. On the other hand, Wade Barrett is pretty cool, I suppose. Solid finishing move, in the Bull Hammer Elbow, but his character has become boring. I'm not going to waste any more time previewing this match, because yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell.

Predicted winner: nobody. We all lose. Luckily, it's not on the main show. But if I had to pick, I'd say the Miz will win, and we will all be worse off for it.
Eight Person Mixed Tag Match: Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls vs Team Rhodes Scholars and the Bella Twins

Brodus Clay is bad. Albert/A-Train/Lord Tensai/Tensai/Sweet-T is bad. Cody Rhodes is good. Damien Sandow is one of my favorite wrestlers, and YOUR intellectual savior. YOU'RE WELCOME. In other words, the latter two deserve something better. But what we've got here is failure to communicate. And then we get what we have here, which is the way He (Vince McMahon) wants it. Well...he gets it! I don't like it any more than you men. Also, the Bella Twins are, to put it delicately, ugly women who allegedly performed sexual acts with Johnny Ace to keep their job, so hooray for Hollywood.

Predicted winners: Tons of Junk. This match has no implications, so there's no reason to make the little kids in the audience, to whom TOF is marketed, sad. So they'll make me sad instead.
Tag Match for the Tag Team Championship: Team Hell No (Daniel Bryan and Kane) (C) vs Dolph Ziggler and Big E. Langston

Finally a match I'm reasonably excited for. I'm interested in seeing how Langston handles himself in his in-ring debut on "the grandest stage of 'em all". I'm also interested in seeing if the belts are finally removed from Kane and Daniel Bryan. Their team started off fresh and exciting, and was one of the better parts of the show at the beginning. I looked forward to seeing them every night. But it's gotten to the point where I am indifferent about them. I think it's time for Daniel Bryan and Kane to go their separate ways. If they lose here, I expect them to face each other at Extreme Rules, and then end up in what will hopefully be a revitalized Intercontinental Title picture. Preferably, it would be Miz vs Bryan for the title at Summerslam. They have the history to make it a decent storyline.

On the other hand, I'm predicting that it will be a big night for Dolph Ziggler....

Predicted Winners and NEW Tag Team Champions: Dolph Ziggler and Big E. Langston
Singles Match: Chris Jericho vs Fandango

Why have I placed this match here, in terms of my overall excitement? Because Chris Jericho brings it every night. I don't know anything about Fandango except the fact that his gimmick amuses me somewhat. But Jericho pulling out a good match is a given. There's no better opponent Fandango could have for his "first" WWE match.

Predicted Winner: Fandango. It could go either way, though. I just think they'll put Fandango over to make him look strong in his debut.
6 Man Tag Match: The New Avengers vs The Shield

Is the Big Show a face? Is he a heel? Nobody knows. But by the end of this match, Randy Orton will have laid out a teammate (likely Sheamus) in order to start a feud with him and become a heel. I don't care about Sheamus, Show, or Orton. I think Orton has always been dry-toast bland, Sheamus is a product of the town time a few years ago when a "star" was needed, and the Big Show shouldn't ever be anything but an unstoppable monster.

But...the Shield. The Shield is awesome. They'll win for sure, because there is no reason why they shouldn't. At all. Not one.

Predicted Winner: The Shield. Winner, not winners, because the Shield is a singular entity of awesome.
Singles Match: Ryback vs Mark Henry

I'm a big Ryback fan, because who doesn't like an overly intense bald guy who does things like throw Santino Marella out of the ring like he was a baseball? Mark Henry's also been good lately, which is something I've never said before. This match is going to be very, very ugly. They'll beat the hell out of each other, and it'll be pretty entertaining. But the excitement comes solely from wondering if Ryback can deliver the Shellshock to Mizzark. I'd be willing to bet they're practicing it right now. If he does go for it tomorrow, assume Ryback has successfully done it to Henry about 10 times in preparation. Ain't nobody got time for a HUGE botch at Wrestlemania.

Predicted winner: Ryback. Take it to the bank.
Singles Match for the World Heavyweight Title: Alberto Del Rio (C) w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs Jack Swagger w/ Yosemite Sam

I like Del Rio a lot, and I think Rodriguez is awesome. I don't think Del Rio has as much positive heat as he should, and I think it has a bit to do with him not chasing the title anymore. He was very over when he was feuding with the Big Show, because he was either chasing the title or had just won it, so the luster hadn't worn off. It doesn't help, either, that he is facing Jack Swagger, who has as much personality as Lance Storm, but lacks an ounce of the talent Storm had. But fear not, because this match doesn't matter at all, or so I hope.

Predicted Winner: Alberto Del Rio. Getting arrested for marijuana possession won't help you win the belt at Wrestlemania, Swagger. Enjoy the midcard after this.

I don't care about this match, but I listed it here for two reasons: first, it's the world heavyweight championship, so it deserves to be listed here. The second reason....

After the match, Dolph Ziggler will cash in his contract and pin Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Championship! With the tag belts and WHC, Ziggler will become one of the most prominent wrestlers in the WWE, and his character will work well with Del Rio in the feud that will follow. AND it'll get Del Rio over again. I love it. I'm a genius.
Singles Match for the WWE Title: The Rock (C) vs John Cena

I'm having a lot of trouble choosing which matches should be ranked where, at this point. The remaining three are all going to be awesome. John Cena is one of the best in-ring performers in the WWE right now, and I can't even boo him anymore because of it. He's a bit cheesy, for sure, and isn't a badass like the 18-death male demographic would wish, but he's had phenomenal matches against pretty much every opponent he's faced in the last year or so. The Rock, on the other hand, has been bland, hasn't been on a lot of shows, and is just sort of...there. But the Great One will bring it at Wresltemania, in front of the millions....AND MILLIONS....of the Rock's fans. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK. IS. COOKIN'.

Predicted Winner: The Rock

I had picked Cena as the winner until....30 seconds ago. But then I remembered that the Rock is advertised for the Extreme Rules pay per view. I think the Rock will win here, John Cena will go nuts, beat the hell out of the Rock post-match, and turn heel finally. If that doesn't happen, Cena will win outright. So I really don't have a clue with this one. But I'm looking forward to it.

Edit: apparently The Rock is no longer being advertised at Extreme Rules, so you can pretty much guarantee John Cena will win tonight. I'm ok with this, too.
Singles match: The Undertaker vs CM Punk w/ Paul Heyman

The Undertaker has had the best match at the last 4 Wrestlemanias. Two of them with Shawn Michaels, two of them with HHH, and here, he might just have the best match of the night with CM Punk. The Undertaker knows how to put together an impeccable match, and CM Punk is the BEST IN THE WORLD. One of the best things about the Undertaker's streak is that it has become sort of unpredictable. Last year, I thought HHH might beat him at some point during the match. I never felt that way leading up to it, but in the match, it seemed like it was going to happen. This year, I'm feeling that way going in. Do I believe the streak will end? Nope. But do I have my doubts? Very much so.

Predicted Winner: The Undertaker. The Streak goes to 21-0 at Wrestlemania. 
No Holds Barred Match: HHH w/ Shawn Michaels vs Brock Lesnar w/ Paul Heyman

This is going to be a slugfest. There'll be chairs, someone's going through the Spanish announce table, the sledgehammer will show up, and HHH will come to the ring dressed as Thor. These things are all guaranteed. This might be the most exciting match on the show, and I'm through the roof excited about it. But wait...I'm not just excited because of the match, itself. I'm excited because Shawn Michaels will be there. And he won't just be standing in HHH's corner, no no. He'll be involved.

My big prediction for Wrestlemania 29 is that Shawn Michaels will cost HHH the match and his career, either by fully turning on HHH or throwing in the towel, ending a merciless beating from Lesnar. This will set up Shawn Michaels vs HHH at Wrestlemania 30.

Predicted Winner: Brock Lesnar

So there you have it: my predictions for tonight's show. Some people are saying it's too predictable, but that isn't a problem. Sometimes predictability and giving fans what they want is the best thing you can do. I don't think there is much of a chance for a big upset tonight, and I'm ok with that. Wrestlemania is always a special night, and for those of us who aren't too cool to enjoy something like professional wrestling, it will be a great four hours. I've got my chips and dip ready, my subway sandwich has hot sauce on it, and I can't wait for the heartburn that will follow.

In the words of Celebrity Deathmatch's own Johnny Gomez, good fight, good night.