Monday, June 18, 2012

Will Schuster's Fantasy Draft

As the sounds of the Beastie Boys' "Paul's Boutique" pump through my empty room (Tommy's at Mid-am camp, looking to take on the rest of the US at a national camp), I sit and think "hmm, haven't written about hockey in a while". Let's do this.

Congratulations to the Kings. I've already vomited about rooting for a team from California for over a month, so the less said about them, the better. I still recall being absolutely livid that the Ducks won a few years back because "NO TEAM FROM CALIFORNIA SHOULD EVER WIN THE STANLEY FREAKING CUP". 

On to more pressing matters. THE 2012 NHL DRAFT!!!! THE NAIL YAKUPOV SWEEPSTAKES!!!! From what I've heard, he's the only person worth drafting this year, but inevitably, the draft will produce a few all stars, and a legend or two. This post is going to be a look back at a few busts the Penguins drafted in the past, and some people they should draft in the upcoming NHL entry draft, coming to you LIVE from PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA on June 22nd and 23rd.

2005: the Penguins drafted Sidney Crosby 1st overall, missing out on the opportunity to draft absolute SUPERSTARS like Benoit Pouliot (#4 overall, Minnesota Wild), Gilbert Brule (#7 overall, Columbus Blue Jackets), and Marek Zagrapan (#13 overall, Buffalo Sabres). Obviously this one didn't pan out. I would have taken Zagrapan 1st overall. In his career, he scored 127 points in the AHL compared to Crosby's 609 NHL points. We missed the ball on that, but everyone makes mistakes.

2004: the Pens drafted Evgeni Malkin, a bum from Russia who can't even learn English well enough to speak coherently, and hasn't done much. Who did we pass up? Lauri Tukonen, that's who. Guy played 185 AHL games and scored 103 points. He's currently hanging around in Finland. I believe that he will be the next breakout NHL superstar.

2012: the Penguins will most likely miss out on drafting bath salts. I think that he could be a superstar in this league, but people are worried about his erratic behavior off the ice. People don't seem to be willing to look to his impact in a locker room, which could change a lackluster team into a face-eating monster in no time. Especially in pivotal games in against Southeast teams like the Tampa Bay Lightning and Florida Panthers.

2012: inside sources tell me that despite a few missteps in the last few months, the Greek Economy would be a pivotal addition to the Penguins blue line. History has proven that Greece tends to make huge comebacks, and their economy would be a great 3rd or 4th round, low-risk addition. If it doesn't pan out, the Greek Economy can just be dumped on Spain's or Italy's national squad.

2012: finally, I think that the real dark horse of this draft could be Will Schuster. The kid played a few years of high school hockey, as well as some years in the WPHL. a stay-at-home defenseman, Schuster is known to occasionally lead some rushes up the ice, and has several 2-goal games under his belt, as well as a few league championships at both amateur and high school levels. Veteran leadership, as well as a lack of run-ins with other potential draftee, Bath Salts, make him a possible late 2nd-early 3rd round draft pick.

Pictured: Future NHL superstar. See the t-shirt?