Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Handful of Embarrassing Moments

Doing stupid things is second nature to me. Almost so much that I should probably just call them "things" and then things that aren't stupid should just be called "smart things".

The other day, I reached into the basin at work where the chefs throw their pots and pans, and I pulled out a 250 degree metal handle, completely cooking my hand. Unfortunately, nobody saw it, nor did anybody see my reaction of jumping up and down 4 or 5 times while saying "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck". I feel like something of that nature must be enjoyed by all.

I've also done other stupid things.

-In my first game of high school hockey against Baldwin High School, I was hanging around in front of the net. My net. The puck bounced out in front of me, and I lunged....for a slap shot. Yes, my friends, I beat my goaltender top shelf on my second or third shift ever in an Upper St. Clair uniform. That's the story of how I scored on Ken Wregget's son to give Baldwin a 1-goal victory. School was fun the next day, but not quite as fun as getting changed in the locker room afterwards.

-In my senior year for the homecoming football game, I went to buy a blank white t-shirt at Walgreens so that I could draw on it with a sharpie. The guy at the counter gave me a very strange look, which kind of annoyed me. Dude sells cigarettes and condoms, but he's giving me a strange look for buying a t-shirt? Ass. After drawing all over the shirt and writing some colorful messages for Bethel Park on it, I was ready to put on the shirt. Then it hit me....I had bought a girl's size medium v-neck shirt. Needless to say, it showed off my flawless physique, but also was a girls size medium v-neck shirt.

-At James Baily's grad party, people were going down his zip-line in the back yard over and over, but I could sense danger. I kept telling myself "no, don't do it. You'll end up like Christopher Reeves without the money". Eventually, my heart won out over my brain, and I climbed the hill to get on the zip line. My friend Jake decided I needed a little boost, so he helped me out. By a little boost, I mean he grabbed me and ran full speed, letting go at terminal velocity. I couldn't jump off, so I prepared for the worst. The rope snapped when it hit the end of the zip line, causing me to soar through the air....and land directly on my back. Rather than care about my possible upcoming role in Superman, James's brother simply said "you asshole, you broke my zip line".

-I wave at people I don't know a lot, because I think they're talking to me. Instead, they're talking to a person right behind me. My Mom actually did this a few days ago, so I know I'm not necessarily the biggest loser on the beach.

-And my personal favorite. The house was empty one day, and when I got out of the shower, there was a knock at the door. I tried to ignore it, but the person kept knocking. Finally, I got annoyed and opened the door in my towel. Two Jehovah's Witnesses were standing there, eager to offer me eternal salvation or some such thing. Unfortunately, as my hand was on the doorknob and not on my towel, the lone piece of 100% cotton that was hiding the not-allowed-on-basic-cable parts of me fell off, exposing said HBO parts of me to these very religious gentlemen. I have to hand it to them, they tried to ignore it, but I could not, so I laughed and shut the door. So that's the story of how I flashed my junk at two door-to-door pilgrims.

But nothing happened that's quite as embarrassing as this. Yet.