Friday, April 6, 2012

Playoffs Preview. Episode 1: The Flyer Menace

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....

It's almost time for game 82, but really, the playoffs have begun. Possibly 8 games in a row against the Philadelphia Flyers. A lot of things come to mind when I think of Philadelphia. Let's do some word association, shall we? Ok, I'm going to think the word "Philadelphia," then I'm going to write down the first word that comes to my head. 4 times, I think.

Philadelphia: cheese.

Philadelphia: sewer lids.

Philadelphia: Grimace from McDonalds.

Philadelphia: hookers.

As a (I loathe the word "buff"), I'm surprised nothing involving the American Revolution popped into my mind. It's a testament to how crappy that town is, that I can unequivocally deem them the cheese, sewer lid, hooker capital of the world, home of Grimace from McDonalds. Surprised it's not Mayor McCheese. I've even made a handy collage to give you a good image of what I think of when I hear "Philadelphia".

Believe it or not, the hooker is the first result when you google "Philadelphia hooker"
I skipped the cheese part, because cheese is not funny.

In all fairness, I've never been to Philadelphia, but then again...I've never been to a Garth Brooks concert. The point is, I don't have to go in order to know that it sucks.

Plus, I saw "National Treasure". That should be enough.

I found this today. It's Tony Granato and Dan Bylsma with KISS.

That's the coolest thing I've seen in a long time.

Let that picture sink in.

Gene Simmons. Paul Stanley. Those two replacement guys, aka fake Peter Criss and fake Ace Frehley. Disco Dan. Tony Granato.

Bonus appearance from Mike Yeo and Gilles Meloche. 

Philadelphia and Pittsburgh have met in the playoffs five times. The Penguins lost to the Flyers in 1989, 1997, and 2000. However, the Penguins defeated the Flyers in both 2008 and 2009, en route to the Finals in both years, winning the cup the second time around. Gotta hope that streak holds true in 2012, with the Penguins defeating Philly and making it to the finals. 

The Flyers have not won a cup since 1975. 

Some other things that were popular in 1975: Stevie Wonder, "Chico and the Man," and "the Rocky Horror Picture Show". "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" sucks. Worst movie I've ever seen.

If you like that movie, buy a Briere jersey.

Point is, that's a long time ago, and it's only getting farther and farther away. They still think it's 1975, though, and continue to play hockey like morons.

Actually, '75 also had "Jaws," the film for "Tommy," and Led Zeppelin's "Physical Graffiti". Those are some pretty cool things...still, 


This series is going to be annoying, it's going to be violent, and it's not going to be easy. Players will do stupid things, some will get injured, possibly badly. Coaches will snipe back and forth at each, maybe just one will. Players will whine, but they won't be the ones you're always told are whiners.

It'll be Little Debbie Briere.

Goalies are going to be the deciding factor of this series, as they always are. Flower's one of the best in the league, and I don't really doubt that he will continue to be. When he's on, nobody is harder to beat, and I'll stick by that no matter what. Still, the possibility exists that he could....nah, he's the man. Ilya Bryzgalov, though? The space cadet is going to get lit up like Heartwood Acres at Christmas time, he'll say some ridiculous thing to the media, and then he will become every Penguins fan's best friend as he lets in goal after goal.
Here's Bryz talking about his five-hole.

But remember, Bryz....when all is said and done, when your team is shaking hands with our team, and golf courses around Philadelphia are kicking it into high gear to prepare for your arrival; when you're watching the Penguins move on to the next round; even before that, when Evgeni Malkin, James Neal, and Sidney Crosby are ripping you to pieces in front of a bloodthirsty Consol Energy Crowd (though I'd prefer Hawaiian Punch or RC Cola to blood, myself)....just remember....

It's only hockey. It's only game. Why you heff to be maed?

The time has come.